Thursday, March 22, 2012
Answers.. Art... and the Garden
Knowledge is Power.
We tell ourselves so often when we are stumbling for an answer to Why.."if I only knew the root of the problem..things would be better". I could fix it. I could change it. We can tell ourselves that so often, that we begin to believe that once we have the knowledge of "what it is", things will immediately be different. But nobody told us that is not entirely all there is to it.
Yes, things will be different, but once you have the knowledge..it is up to YOU how it will change. The knowledge is the stepping stone.
For four years I had been searching for an answer. Why am I in so much pain? Why don't I feel well? What is wrong with me? Doctor after doctor, test after test, and endless days of discouragement led me to endless searching for the answer, as if the answer would be the solution. All the while not knowing that once I had the answer....it was only a step. And that step is your choice in how you will make it change. In which direction, what path will you take, toward your solution?
These past few months as I had felt even worse, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My inspiration to create Art became more and more difficult, my pain dictating my every move, and fatigue controlling my days. Then Tuesday morning an unexpected phone call came, and in ONE minute the stepping stone appeared in front of me. "You have Lupus". Stunned I hung up the phone and became quiet. I needed to process this, and realized things weren't immediately better now that I had an answer. The stepping stone was in front of me, but I was not ready to take a step. I gave myself permission to sit with it, think, and BE.
I needed to eliminate the noise that surrounds us in the world, no TV, no phone calls, no drama....just to get to that simple state of breath. So, I spent that day and all the next outside, the one place that can make you feel better just by it's existence. The one place so easy to find perspective and balance.
I decided to listen to Me.
I felt compelled to to have my hands in the Earth, the simplicity called to me...work in the garden. Flowers needed to be planted. I needed to surround myself with color, reds and blues and purples. I needed to feel the soil in my hands.
The afternoon was spent planting. Loosening the soil and digging the holes was immediately hurting me, the pain was aggressive...but I needed to do it. My husband saw the difficulty and began doing the strenuous parts for me so that I was left with the simple pleasures of placing the flowers and plants in the earth and filling them in. Finished, we spent the rest of the day on the porch..quiet, peaceful and meditative.
The next day we spent our day driving in the mountains and then again back sitting near the garden, until I then found a sense of peace with where I was at...a sense of peace that there was a stepping stone in front of me. I had come to the state of Now. The past did not exist and the future did not exist..only the present. And I took a step forward on to the stepping stone. I made the choice to fully immerse in my healing, to listen to my intuition and my body and act accordingly and move forward. I have no expectations that it will be easy, but will strive for the best quality of life, to be easy with myself and put my needs to the forefront. I will continue with my Art on a relaxed level, because it is like breath to me, it is part of my essence.
Breathe in. Breathe Out. Follow the Stepping Stones.